i’ll cover for you like a slipcover covers a chair

Dan Stafford, an institution unto himself, evoked much praise and criticism in his short career. Whether through his

off-off-off-off-on-off-Broadway plays as a playwrite, his powerful blog hungguy.blogspot.com, his work doing voiceovers for Aunt Jemima

Syrup commercials, or his culture breaking redefiniation of Kafka as humorist, Stafford illuminated the human condition, or at least the

corner of the room where grandma’s picture hangs on the wall.

Thankfully, in addition to his prolificness as a cultural icon, he left behind a body of personal correspondance which gives us insight into

the artist as a manchild. Random House is pleased to present, in conjuntion with PBS and Orville Redenbacher’s Gourmet Klassic Kettle

Korn, the ‘Letters of a Dirtbag’.

Subject: What’s up man?
Date: 9/28/1999
From: Dan (dano247@hotmail.com)
To: Seth (sethbagbalm@juno.com)

Hey man! How’s it going? Can’t believe you got email too – this is pretty rad. How’s yer sophomore year? Get laid yet? hahahaha gnyuck

gnyuck. Just kiddin’ ya man. Anyway, I gotta motor to calss, hit me back and let me know what yer up to.

-ddog

Subject: sucky
Date: 10/12/1999
From: Dan (dano247@hotmail.com)
To: Seth (sethbagbalm@juno.com)

Hey chief – sorry to hear that things aren’t so good for you right now. Don’t worry man. It’ll pick up. Or not, how the fuck should I know?

Things are pretty rockin’ here – you’ll never guess whose playing our ‘Fall Festival’! Fucking Pavement dude! I can’t believe it. I’m so

stoked. Maybe if college doesn’t work out for you, you could come here and roadie for ’em! hehehehehehe.

ok pal, I gotsta run. give a shout back when you get the chance!

-dday

Subject: lonely
Date: 10/21/1999
From: Dan (dano247@hotmail.com)
To: Seth (sethbagbalm@juno.com)

Wow man, you sound BAD. Do they have like, the counselors at your school? We have ’em here for people who go a little schizo.

Maybe you should go talk to one?

anyhoo – i’m thinking about you man, and if you ever need me man, i’m totally here!

-dstamp

Subject: RE: re: lonely
Date: 11/15/1999
From: Dan (dano247@hotmail.com)
To: Seth (sethbagbalm@juno.com)

Hey man – justed wanted to check in…….and tell you that Pavement was AWESOME — wish you could’ve been there.

So what’s up with you? You’re not still doing that cutting shit are you? The mime troupe thing sounds cool – you should hook up with

those guys. I joined a jousting group and met the coolest chick. Her name’s Gwendolyn, and she’s rad, you’d totally like her.

a’ight man, I’m off to the movies (the matrix – i’ve heard it’s AMAZING)

peace
-d

PS – Are you gonna be home at thanksgiving? we should totally hang…….

Subject: Holy shit man
Date: 1/5/2000
From: Dan (dano247@hotmail.com)
To: Seth (sethbagbalm@juno.com)

DUDE HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK???!?!?!?!?! Man, now I’m so sorry we didn’t hang over the holidays – it was just at the last

minute Gwen invited me to her parents in connecticut, but if I had known, man…….

So, what’s up? I would ask if you’re ok, but that seems silly…..let me know what’s going on!

-dplug

Subject: how long has it been?
Date: 3/24/2002
From: Dan (dano247@hotmail.com)
To: Seth (sethbagbalm@juno.com)

Hey brother – man it’s been a long time. What the hell? Where to start? Well, I’m not even sure if you use this email anymore……we’ll

see. Things didn’t really work out with Gwen – she got really weird, like wanted to drink blood together and shit. The funny thing is, she

broke up with me. Oh well. I’m seeing this girl now (jen) who’s pretty cool. She’s a grad student, so it’s neat to be dating an ‘older woman’.

What the hell’s up with you? Last I heard (yer mom told my mom) you went out to cali to kind of get your shit together. Sounds cool.

Well, it’s late man, and I got class tomorrow (just a couple more months and I’m done with this shit – I can’t wait). If you’re still out there,

send word………

-dbomb

Subject: bmoc
Date: 4/11/2002
From: Dan (dano247@hotmail.com)
To: Seth (sethmjones@vectorproducts.com)

I can’t believe you wrote back! I had no idea if that email would work or not. Glad to hear you’re working and living man – I was worried!

So no thoughts of going back to school, huh? That’s cool – I can understand that. Me, I can’t wait to get out of this fucking place. My final

project, if you can believe it is, ‘The Comedic Works of Franz Kafka’. I came up with it as a joke, but……

So you sound really good. Your roomate Bruce sounds really cool too – just hope yer not turnng gay on me! (just kidding). Are you

gonna be back this way in time for graduation? I could hook you up with tickets – Yo-Yo Ma is our speaker – let me know if you’re down.

ok — gotta run
dbag

Subject: Totally sorry…..
Date: 4/13/2002
From: Dan (dano247@hotmail.com)
To: Seth (sethmjones@vectorproducts.com)

Dude, I’m really sorry. I had no idea. Bruce really sounds like a great guy, and I hope you both are super happy with each other. One of

my professors is gay, so, you know, I’m cool.

Sorry you won’t be back for gradeation – it’s gonna rock. I’ll let you know if i’m ever out that way though!

Subject: Holy shit man
Date: 9/11/2006
From: Dan (danstaff@gmail.com)
To: Seth (sethmjones@vectorproducts.com)

Setg? you out there man? Things are all right here – I’m with a new girl now (beth) and eshe’d great, you’d like wher. sorry my tiping is

bad, i had a couple drinks with fome friends onight a nd got to thinkg abdout you. how’s bruce? i dunno i’m not sure love can last myself,

nut htat’s just me i guess! hahahahahah.

man who would’ve thought that our lives would end up hwer? you know? i mean jeeaz. have you hear d the new yo la tnego album? it’s

fucking amazing so fucking good their coming to town soon, and i can’t fucking wait to go it’s going to rule. i can’t wait!!!!

well man let em nkow what you’re up to where tyou’re at i can’t bleive it’s been likt four years man! crazy! ok i’m gon a go get some lsepp

man

miss you like fuck
-dan

Nothing exists of Dan and Seth’s correspondence beyond these e-mails, and two postcards from Fire Island, which we’re unable to print for legal and communistic reasons. Little is known of Seth and even less of Bruce, even less than that is known of Roger, a person I just made up this moment, admittedly of little consequence now.

The great historian, Giles Frankenheimensteiner has presupposed that perhaps ‘Seth’ is actually the manifestation of Dan’s fears, hopes, dreams, and superstitions about white lighters. Or, he could be Dan’s childhood friend Seth Johansson, a Sweedish giant Dan befriended in his seventh year.

Whatever the case may be, there are not enough words in the Danish dictionary to express humanity’s gratitude at Stafford’s genius. There are plenty in the Slovenian dictionary, but those were destroyed in the great fire/tsunami of ’17.